How to Stop Needing Validation from Others

Self Validation is the path to creating the freedom you desire.

Daring to validate yourself is risky business. ‘You mean to tell me that you can honor yourself and your parts without bashing yourself?’ What kind of freak are you? You must be some kind of bitch, conceited and sort of a pariah.

Nobody wants to be labeled these things or have any association with them, you have a reputation to protect. What if I were to tell you that you can and should validate yourself because it sets the tone on how others will treat you.

What if I told you that, if you were no longer obsessed with what you aren’t and what you don’t have, you would have free time, more money and even more peace?

Industries that have been set up to control your dollars would have to listen to your voice, because you would be able to see through the mile long crap they have been feeding you because you were born a girl.

You have been told that you are inferior, unworthy, not enough and definitely unsafe merely because you were born female.

Am I implying that there aren’t differences or challenges? No, I am not. I am also NOT here to throw men under the bus. This post is to dispel the myths we have been spoon fed and on some level believe and how these lies play out in our lives. It is time to wake UP.

Anything that goes unchallenged become status quo, that thing perpetuates and festers. It grows legs and must be constantly fed to sustain its existence.

If someone compliments you, you are supposed to be humbled, shocked that someone observed your ‘beauty’, that you had no idea about said beauty and now you are externally grateful for them noticing. This is coy and a bit co-dependent.

You clothe this body, bathe this body, experience the entire world through the lens of this body…you probably pick this body apart on more occasions than you care to admit. This is accepted practice. Let’s face it: the beauty and diet industries need you to do this, so they can make more money.

If it is true that you can find fault, isn’t it also true that you can find your beauty, even seek it out. And Celebrate it?

We all observe beauty, we just aren’t supposed to notice the beauty that is in the reflection in the mirror. THIS is not accepted practice. It is deemed conceited and non virtuous.

Feeling and acting confident and beautiful is taboo but I ask, isn’t this backwards? To be at peace in your body, whatever your shape, size, color or age is something to be celebrated. Nothing more wonderful than a woman not at war with herself.

Tell the truth.

Don’t deny how you feel to make another feel comfortable. At the same time, don’t use it as a weapon of superiority. Beauty is relative and in this example, it is only important what you feel about your physicality.

You don’t have to validate OR compare yourself to others.

This is the poison that I want to eliminate. This breeds jealousy, separateness and shame. When these lower vibrations take over, there is little room for you to shine, spread your wings and be free.

You are whole and complete. You are worthy of your own attention. You can NOT require another to pay more attention to you than you are paying to yourself. Paying attention means to take care of how you talk to yourself, how you feel about yourself and what you admire about yourself.

Why all of this? Why is this important?

Feeling good (just because) gets you more of the same. The reverse is true and society only celebrates that part. The former is an aloof fantasy, never to be obtained without a jar of magic potion.

Truth: when a person celebrates themself, it gives you the space to look past your ‘flaws’ and trust YOURself. Your life, your breath, your existence.

Take a moment to think about someone you feel has beauty. The beauty you wished you had…fill in the blank. Take it in.

Now, recognize the ability to see their beauty means that this beauty is within YOU. Please take that in.

If you allow this to grow within yourself, the less you judge yourself and the less room others have to judge you.

Surprisingly, compassion grows inside of you for yourself and everyone else. You can see and appreciate another’s beauty without deducting anything from yourself. You begin to see and celebrate all the little things and feel gratitude for them. Life gets yummy.

Instead of needing or requiring anyone else to validate you, when you do it for yourself it is like drinking from a constant stream of love vs awaiting a bus in suburbia.

Here is the thing: when another’s words are needed to big yourself up, the opposite is true. Their ugly words will annihilate you, trigger you and make you feel like their words do. This is a recipe for disaster. This route never feels solid or grounded.

I understand that what I am proposing is rebellious, but it works. Who doesn’t want to be a rebel with a cause especially when the rewards are feeling good and noticing what is right in the world instead of what is wrong with it? Try it on.

Body Shaming is a real conversation being had right now. Well, it is being talked about now, size discrimination is real and always has been.

My body type wasn’t worldwide popular until recent years. It is celebrated most when the woman isn’t black aka Jennifer Lopez or Marilyn Monroe. Beyonce has a similar body type and folks LOVE to hate her. Coincidence? Maybe. You decide.

All of it is bullshit anyway. The trending body type is cyclical. Not so long ago, old Kate Moss was the bees knees. You can’t just willy nilly change your Earth suit because it is trending. See…BS!

When I was coming of age, there was no public radar to validate me, so I did it for myself. Yes, I am saying that I am older than Jenny from the Block (BX stand up) and Queen B. I was just your around the way regular curvy girl.

When I worked as a fashion forecaster in New York City, I was a ‘bit too much.’

I wore what other women did in my office did, but my body was over sexualized. On the NY streets, there were things said to me that should never be repeated and no one should ever have to hear.

I had to go inside to decide how to feel about my body. To be comfortable in spite of what was said, the looks AND the images that didn’t represent me.

I decided my curves are marvelous, melodic and magical, because they are mine and I am here. I am all woman. THIS is all that matters, what I think. What I decide. #SelfValidation

What will you judge less about yourself today?

What will you self validate? and celebrate?


Reminders + Tips delivered to Your Inbox about your Wholeness : Mind, Body + Heart.

Life on Your Terms is waaay more fun!

Thank you for subscribing!



Fonda Clayton is the founder of 5D Self Mastery, a community based platform for those who are ready to own their sovereignty and embody their Sacred Wholeness. She helps women recognize that splitting themselves into pieces and parts of themselves is disempowering and will always have them looking outside of the self for validation. Fonda is a Certified Life Coach, Polarity Therapist, Licensed Massage Therapist, published author, podcaster and Mother of Personal Freedom.

Share This Post

Read This Next